Did You Hear…?

Gossip

Gossip

GOSSIP idle talk or rumor, especially about the personal or private affairs of others.

There is always this need for people to know who it is you share your bed or intimate space with.

We are all guilty at some point or another of wanting to know who was with whom.  It becomes a problem when we obsess so much over other people’s personal lives that we begin to formulate ideas and create stories to fill that void or satisfy that ‘need’.

Having had a discussion with a friend recently, he said “this place is like high school…’’ and I echo his sentiments 100 percent. Although he made reference to a particular place, we can find these ‘high schools’ in almost every setting and organization in society. It is in high school that girls find themselves in fights over the popular guy; guys find themselves having multiple girlfriends to boost their LITTLE egos and show off to their friends. It is in high school that you have so much free time to devote to idle chatter, gossip and cat fights.  With that being said, where do ADULTS with jobs and careers, children and partners, bills and debts… responsibilities, find that much time to dedicate to high school drama? It amazes me!

A little gossip is unavoidable for sure, and we all find ourselves from time to time chit chatting, but it’s to what extent that makes the difference. If you find that your gossip is always centered around other people, their sexuality and the amount of partners they’ve had, then let me be the one to tell you that YOUR PRIORITIES ARE TWISTED AND YOU NEED A PERSONAL LIFE!

Let’s firstly tackle the issue of sexuality…

We live in a sexually fluid world. And by that I mean, A LOT has changed over the years whether it is reflected in your laws or not. From the United States where it is your legal right to marry the same sex; To Jamaica, where our laws ask of us to keep our intimacy in the privacy of our homes; To Nigeria where same sex relationships are punishable by fines, imprisonment or death… In the end it is our right to love who we want to. We have ALL sinned and haven fallen short in some way, so what gives us the right judge someone else? What gives us the right the belittle another because of who he or she loves? And if it is that who you love shares the same sex organs, whose business is it anyways? I’ve said all that to say, what is the fascination with people’s sexuality? Lesbians, Gays, Bisexuals, Transgender… it’s nothing new!!!  So why the hot topic about who you lie with?

Secondly, how many partners do you really have…

I’ve already written a blog titled ‘What’s Your Number’ that addresses the amount of partners one can or should have, and frankly it’s nobody’s business. I find that we are always quick to pin people together without the facts.

‘Oooh she showed up to work in his car all week.’

‘Yea, you saw how he smiled at her… mmhmm’

‘They’re too close to just be friends’

‘You know how she got that position right?’

But why do we even need facts, when it isn’t our darn business?!

Newsflash.. people can really just be friends, No Strings Attached!

People treat gossip like a weapon or cure… You think you know that one thing about someone else that no else knows. And you treat that information like the cure for cancer. And every time you let someone else in on the cure, you lose control and that cure becomes the weapon you have used to destroy someone’s character. Before you know it, the cure has no value and you now need to find a cure for AIDS. The cycle continues with every new face, new name, new victim.

When will it stop?

But the bigger question is… If your gossip is indeed true, then SO WHAT?

What do you now do with that information? Did it make you richer, healthier, smarter, younger, better looking… did it secure your place in Heaven?

If not then… SO WHAT?

 

I AM MS DADRIAN… BE BLESSED!

 

Advertisements

She Didn’t Take Him, He Left…

women-fighting-over-guy

She Didn’t Take Him, He Left…

In our culture, we have a tendency to blame a woman for ‘taking our man.’ When your men steps outside the relationship, our target is almost always the other woman, but let’s be frank here, if he didn’t want to go he wouldn’t have. In short, she didn’t take him, he left!!
I am no expert on relationships but with the little knowledge I’ve gathered through experiences and healthy discussions, I’ve come to the realization that you can’t force a man to do something he doesn’t want to. He may or may not be the aggressor, but had he no inclination then no amount of pressure could make him surrender. If something is not apart of your character and you have absolutely no desire, then peer pressure is not your shortfall.
Too often we attack other women for stepping in our relationships, walking in to our marriages and leaving with our partners. The questions I have are: Why was the door left opened in the first place? If she knocked, why did he answer? If the door was left open, who opened it? If that same door was kicked in, why wasn’t it strong enough? Better yet, are we sure our relationships have doors? Hmmmmm
Steve Harvey in his book “Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man” said men cheat because there is someone to cheat with. The blame should NOT be placed on any one person because it takes two to tango. If you feel the need to address another woman about your relationship, then have that same conversation with your spouse. One hand can’t clap! We need to stop with this nonsense of pitting women against each other because of something a man willingly participated in.
No man is held against his will and forced to step outside his relationship, and if that were indeed the case, then that’s a matter for the courts. But under normal circumstances, if you dangle a bait and a man latches on then he is just a guilty as you are, and should be subjected to the same ‘punishment.’ It’s rather ridiculous for women to be fighting each other, accusing each other and belittling each over theft, when the product was left on the open market.
God forbid your partner should be unfaithful, please remember that he wouldn’t have stepped out if he didn’t want to. She didn’t take him from you, he left on his own.
I AM MSDADRIAN…. BE BLESSED!

My Feelings Aren’t Your Christmas

130

WTF BOY… My feelings aren’t your Christmas!

It ain’t for you to put once a year on your wish list

My feelings aren’t your New Year

You can’t hit and quit this then switch to a new gear.

My feelings ain’t your Labour day

It ain’t for you, them and the neighbour’s play.

My feelings ain’t your Easter

It ain’t for you to leave after you feast… her

My feelings ain’t your Valentine

No Brandy’s and Monica’s… The Boy IS Mine

My feelings ain’t your Summer son

You don’t just leave when summer’s done

Independent are my feelings though

I became HIM dependent for a no feelings Ho

But, my feelings are for Hero’s… TRUE

Like Hero’s do, they ride for you!

My feelings ain’t your holiday

It ain’t for people on vacations Bae

Talking bout I’m emotional…

BOY, MY FEELINGS AIN’T YOUR CHRISTMAS!!!

I AM MSDADRIAN… BE BLESSED! 

LISTEN AUDIO HERE: https://app.box.com/files/0/f/0/1/f_22939690843

Was watching ‘The Real Daytime’ and Tamar struck a chord with this very powerful yet simple line, “My feelings aren’t your Christmas”.

 

“He Beat Me Because he Loves Me”

domesticviolence2

“He Beat Me Because he Loves Me”

Too many times I have seen and heard this and I just can’t fathom it. Maybe it’s a modern day thing and I’m not there yet, or it’s an age old tradition that I was not taught. To be honest, I’m good without that experience, but I just want to know why?

Why would a woman think its OK for a man to abuse her and at the end of the day lay with her?

Why would a man think abuse is OK?

Why would anyone suffer abuse-male or female- of any kind -verbal, emotional or physical- and still stay with the person who does it?

Why do some women see abuse as a sign of love?

Who would a man think ‘scolding’ a woman is way to keep her in check?

Why do some women require scolding to be kept in check?

Why do women see it fit to slap, spit and bite?

Why do men retaliate with fist fights?

Why?

 OK, so the big story in the news is about NFL player Ray Rice and his attack on then Fiancé Janay. The couple got married after the incident and now that the video has become public, he has pretty much lost his career, and she is standing by him all while blaming the media for interfering.

Domestic abuse is something that has been happening since the beginning of time and we only pay attention to it when it comes to the fore, or when a popular figure is involved. It’s in our homes, in our families, in our lives, we have all witnessed it and we sit in silence and sip our tea like Kermit because quite frankly… ‘It’s none of my business.’

But it’s my business because I’m a woman, it’s my business because I have a mother, grandmother, aunts, cousins, sisters, nieces, friends and one day I want to have a daughter or son.

I don’t want my daughter to think it is OK for any man to abuse her, no matter the circumstances.

I don’t want my son to think it is OK to put his hands on any woman unless he’s using it for pleasure.

I also don’t want my daughter to think it is OK to fight, bite, spit or stab any man.

I don’t know what goes on in the Rice’s relationship and how often incidents like the aforementioned occur, but what I know is there was abuse on both ends and it is unacceptable!

Being the only female in a heated discussion with the guys at work about the story, they all echoed the same sentiments; they don’t condone violence but when provoked its human nature to retaliate. I understand where they are coming from but I don’t fully agree. We control our emotions and how we react to certain things. Under any kind of pressure, we make the choice to either walk away or fight back; it’s the will power that will determine what we actually do. If you know you are reaching your boiling point, consciously make the decision to extinguish the blaze or cause an inferno. It’s all about choice!

I also think it’s how we value each other and the relationship. If there is no respect, then when in an argument we find words to cut, and cut deep. There can be arguments with respect. You can’t respect your woman and in an argument call her a bitch, whore or dutty gyal, and then when night falls you’re between the whore’s legs or eating from her pot (no pun intended… actually pots now lol). You can’t call your man a dog shit, john crow, worthless, and at the end of the day you’re wrapped up in the dog’s shit, spending the worthless boy’s money.

Additionally both parties in a relationship can’t be the aggressor. They say opposites attract so with that in mind, if someone ignites the flame, then the other should be quick to defuse it. Everyone can’t be hotheaded!

And then I think to myself, when someone loves something, they take the best care of it. I’ll always refer to a man and his car, and a woman and her shoes. A man will wash, polish and accessorize his vehicle, and rev that engine to show that his is better than yours. A woman will bring a yard slippers to walk through the short-cut so as to not wear the tip of her heels. She will get the pedicure just to wear this shoe, because a shoe like that deserves the best feet. So if you truly love and or care for someone, ‘yuh nuh waah fly pitch pon dem’. You wouldn’t destroy something you cherish and seeing your lady or man with a black eye, busted lips, bloody nose and broken bones in NOT care!

It is said then women fight with with words and men fight with fists, but choose your battles. Bringing fists to a word fight, is bringing guns to a knife war.

A lot of people will say, Dadrian, you can never tell until you’re in the position, but it’s a position I wouldn’t want for my foe. I know when a man is the bread winner, it’s hard to walk away from the person that feeds you. But what happens when he slams your mouth shut and you’re feeding through a tube? What happens when your children grow up and do the same thing to other women, or it’s done to them? What happens when your silence takes you to the grave? When will we it become our business?

As it relates to the Rice incident and his wife supporting him, I can only pray for them. She has the right as an adult to make decisions, and it’s a decision that we cant fight her for. But I do hope it’s not one that will cost her. People say she’s there for the money, but what good is money when you’re beaten senseless? Janay says the attention the media has brought to her family is unwanted and has cost them in more ways than one. In short stay out!!! But had this been an internal ‘war’ and not one done in the public and without the use to fists then there would be nothing to comment on. I wish them well!

In the end, if relationships resort to violence, then it’s time to let it go.

To all women who may read this and is offended because they are victims, it is not my intention to offend. I just want us to stand for someone rather than be reduced to nothing.

I AM MSDADRIAN… BE BLESSED!!!

 

Is He/She Claiming You?

670px-Introduce-People-Step-2

A lot of people look for validation in their relationships in the most common way known to mankind; the person publicly claiming you. It can be done in any form; an introduction to his/her friends or family, the title -boyfriend/girlfriend-, the changing of the Facebook relationship status, the Public Display of Affection (PDA), or by simply letting each other know where they stand in the relationship, meaning it and acting the part. Now some folks are a little more private than others and don’t necessarily need to shout from a mountain top, but if needs be, he or she would just to prove their position.

I happen to fall in the category of private; no relationship status updates, no excessive PDA, no social media posts. But what I do require is the introduction to the people that matter most in your life- your family and friends. What I require is for you to make me feel so secure in the relationship that I don’t have to ask if, who or what I am.

It all depends on the kind of relationship that you bargained for. If you settled at half price then expect the half love, and if you paid hard earned full cash, then the product should reflect the price paid.

If you have to ask the person you are with any of the following questions, your answers will be in bold.

So what are we?   NOTHING!

Where is this relationship going? NOWHERE!

Am I your girlfriend/boyfriend? NO!

Are we together? NO!

We are hunters by nature; if a man want’s that new car then he’s going to work to get it, and if a woman want’s that new shoe, you better believe she will be wearing it. So if the person you are with wanted you, then he or she would have hunted for you. Nothing will stand in the way of a person who sees what they want and stop at no means to get it. In short, if you are not hunted, you are not wanted!

Writing from a female perspective is easy, most of us want the same thing, but I find that men are willing to just work with the flow if a woman isn’t claiming him.

Strat says: The relationship would have been outlined from the get go; lovers or FWB (friends with benefits) so there would be no need to wonder where you stand with the person. He’d know she’s his girl or his fling.

Cece says: If you have to wonder then it ain’t your man. I can understand being private but an introduction to mommy and daddy is necessary.

Trecia says: If you are with someone who isn’t claiming you or is keeping you a secret then it’s just not serious. He’s only there for the convenience (sex etc) not someone to build a life with.

Don says: He wouldn’t take her serious if she’s not claiming him. He’d just work with it if there is something in it for him.

Lacye says: If I’m not claimed to your friends and folks then ‘wi nuh deh’.

Tracie says: I’d want to be claimed or else I’m wasting my time. I’d think he has someone else.

Hackeem says: If she isn’t willing to claim me, then it’s because she’s really not interested or has someone else.

Cordel says: If after months of legitimate dating- consistently seeing each other, sharing and being intimate- and I’m not considered his girl then I’d think he’s embarrassed or is playing me. I’d find out where his head is at then decide whether to stay or leave.

Roechelle says: If I’m a secret to his mother or his close friends, then it’s obvious I’m not worth it. If he saw any good in me then these important people SHOULD know about me. If he intentionally refuses to introduce me… “Just hold on i’m going home”

 Hahahahahah Drizzy on em!

Everybody is different, we all show emotions in our own way. Some people like to put it all out there, while others and more private. In the end it’s the action that should matter and not necessarily what you ‘say’ through social media or in public. If the FB status isn’t changed and whatsapp DP (display picture) isn’t updated, it is by no means an indication that you are not being claimed. Actually, I think the excessive social media posts are a bit too cheesy for my taste but hey… like I said we all show love in different ways. And on second thought, if you are with someone that makes you feel so great that you can’t help but to shout it out or post if on FB, then hell, POST IT! There is NOTHING wrong with putting your partner on a pedestal, showing him or her off and professing to the world that “This is bae!!!” (Trying to be hip with the bae lol)… Because quite frankly, that’s what genuine love does!

On the other hand, if I’ve never met your family, I’ve never been introduced to your close friends, I am always ‘just a friend’, we can never be seen in public in an intimate setting, I’m always the girl at home in the dark and I’m still questioning what we are, then to me you are embarrassed, there for the convenience and there is no future!!! This secret isn’t worth being released, and I’d think you are ashamed of me.

So the next time you are in a so-called relationship and you have wonder ‘are we together or naah?’ Do like Michael Jackson and ‘BEAT IT’.

In my Asian accent ‘if he or she no hunt, he or she no wont!’

 

I AM MSDADRIAN… BE BLESSED!!!

 

CHEATING… FORGIVABLE?

Image

Which is more forgivable? 

If you are familiar with the actress Tori Spelling and her story, then you know where this blog is heading. But for those who aren’t, in short, her current husband with whom she shares four children, has stepped outside their marriage and now they are trying to decipher if the relationship is worth saving. She alluded to the fact that if he cheated once or with one person, it makes a world of a difference as opposed to cheating with multiple partners. So my discussion today surrounds forgiveness.
What’s more forgivable, cheating with one person or multiple people? 
 
Before I go any further let me clearly state, that in NO way shape or form do I condone infidelity. It is unacceptable, disrespectful, hurtful and sometimes just unforgivable. But we are living in a world of sin where people often make mistakes, and sometimes after investing years with someone, it’s hard to just walk away because of that mistake. You wouldn’t want to throw away all that you’ve built together because of someone’s poor judgement. So depending on how many times the same mistake is repeated, it will determine the outcome. 
 
I asked my girlfriends the question and I’ll share some of the responses. 
 
There is a twist to the question which some persons picked up on right away because they immediately went beyond the surface. Other responses stayed afloat, but I’ll share that a little later.
 
The responses:
Cody:  I can forgive a one off “mistake” but a repeat offender should be subject to the wrath of a woman scorned…(none smile)
 
Tracie: Cheating with multiples is worst, far worst! It’s easier to forgive one but more than one shows that you will do it again given the opportunity. 
 
Lacye: One person is more forgivable; multiple is where the buck stops.
 
Roechelle: That one person is gonna be receiving things- emotionally, mentally, physically etc- equivalent to you or even more. 
 
Cece: Cheating with multiple persons means you’re just a whore(whether male or female whore).Cheating with one person should be the response but it goes deeper,it means your partner actually likes that person in my opinion and will most likely keep cheating with that one person.
 
Responses from a few male friends all echoed the same sentiment. Cheating is unacceptable, but doing it one time is more forgivable.
 
I’m on both sides if the fence with this one and I’ll tell you why. Cheating with multiple partners means no attachment. It means you are just not ready for a commitment, and you are incapable of settling at this point. It means to me that you are an addict because one person will never be able to satisfy you. It means to me that if I am going to take that leap of faith and invest in you, I should not expect it to be reciprocated because you are not ready for that kind of exclusivity. It also means you don’t give a damn about your partners feelings, and there is nothing to lose if he/she calls the relationship quits. It also means that I’m at a greater health risk because you are intimate with a wide cross section of people, who may or may not be on the same level of the health scale.
 
On the other hand, cheating with one person- and here is the twist- it doesn’t necessarily mean one time, cheating with one person repeatedly, means that there is more to that relationship that just the sex. If it were just sex then it could have come from anybody. But the fact that you keep going back, it means that there is a commitment. You’ve become attached to that vagina/penis. Feelings are developing, investments are being made, and you are now settling partly with someone else. That in itself spells destruction! Once emotions become involved, then it’s harder to restrain… The bond will be harder to break and you are now giving to someone else, apart of what belongs to me. You are now dividing your roles and responsibilities, and you are expecting equality from both persons. Were this a polygamous/polyandrous society then multiple partners could work. And even then, spouses have roles and placements; no two people share equal responsibility.
 
With all that being said, I think cheating in general for both men and women boils down to one thing, having someone else experience the most intimate and vital aspect of that relationship.
 
For men… The thought of someone else experiencing that sexual intimacy is just unforgivable… Even if it’s just one person, just one time.
For women… It’s sharing aspects of yourself with another women that should be exclusive to just one. Don’t fall in love with her, don’t get emotionally attached and worst don’t give her oral sex. 
 
At the end of the day, most persons agreed that cheating with one person may be an easier pill to swallow. It is NOT a free pass to go do it, but God forbid it happens, then forgiveness is possible. 
 
Funny how we are trying to decide the redeemable kind of cheating, instead of avoiding the act all together. Lol
 
Forgivable cheating, one time, one person or not?
 
I AM MS DADRIAN… BE BLESSED!

What’s Your Number… The Sex List?

Image

I recently participated in a discussion via a radio programme, about making known the amount of partners you’ve been with. Majority of those who participated in the discussion echoed NO! I was actually one in a handful who said yes but with conditions. My yes doesn’t necessarily come only in the form of numbers, but in deeds and character.

There is this saying that women always divide their number by two (they say 5 when it’s 10), and men multiply their number (they say 10 when it’s actually 5). If there is any truth to it, I can understand why. No woman wants to be seen a ‘bad girl’ or a ‘whore’, and our men were raised and socialized to be a ‘gyalis’ or ‘players’. Our music glorifies men having girls in a bundle, and applauds women who scream ‘One Man’. But let’s talk about it…

When I say make known the amount of partners, I’m not going to give you exact figures, but if the situation arises where I need to make known who I’ve been with then I’m open about that. I don’t want to put my partner in a situation where he hears about Tom, Dick or Harry through other people rather than me. If he asks then I should be the one to tell him. I won’t write names, what we did, how many times, when and where we did it, but if it is on a need to know basis then I’ll let him know. I also think he is entitled to know the kind of person I normally date- the character of the person- because I want to know the kind of girls he’s attracted to. Without being judgemental, I want to know that the others girl are women with morals and values, and are actually women he’s proud to show off.

In doing my mini research and survey for this blog, I got the same responses right across the board. The men don’t want to know numbers, they too want character, and they are looking for patterns. Is she attracted to bad boys, cops, did she date a scammer, does she like tall or short men, rich men or hustlers, things of that nature and not necessarily a fixed figure.  One person actually said numbers can influence outlook. Men formulate an idea of a woman’s past based on the relationship they share; they sometimes generate their own figure based on age and experiences and how women deal with relationships on a whole. We normally take a while longer to get over a break up; we wait a while longer to get physical, it requires a lot more when it comes to intimacy, so men will use those factors and create an acceptable number in their minds. Telling them otherwise will ruin the perception or image they have of you.

The women on the other hand couldn’t care less about their partner’s exes. They only want to know about his health and how careless or not he has been. Did he ever have an STI, does he practice safe sex, and to an extent the type and character of his exes. They also stand against me in numbers, but they do support sharing the need to know information. One response was that men can’t handle the truth. Women only need to share the relationships that actually meant something, and not the one guy you hooked up with that one time. They say men don’t know how to deal with a woman’s sexual history, hence alterations to the truth is necessary to preserve their sanity and ego.

But what exactly is the acceptable number and how do we go about arriving at that number? An old friend once said, he calculates based on age, how early the woman engaged in sex, how long she should wait (in his opinion) after a relationship has ended to start a new one and how to decipher which relationship is worth the intimacy. In the end he thinks a 25 year old, should NOT exceed 3 partners and any woman who exceeds this number has questionable character.

With all that being said, if you were to find out the amount of sexual partners your current partner had, would that change the way you feel about him or her? If he or she asks, would you be willing to share your number or would you alter it? Is there an acceptable number in comparison to age?  Are numbers even that important?

Btw… what’s your number? Lol

I AM MS DADRIAN… BE BLESSED!