“He Beat Me Because he Loves Me”
Too many times I have seen and heard this and I just can’t fathom it. Maybe it’s a modern day thing and I’m not there yet, or it’s an age old tradition that I was not taught. To be honest, I’m good without that experience, but I just want to know why?
Why would a woman think its OK for a man to abuse her and at the end of the day lay with her?
Why would a man think abuse is OK?
Why would anyone suffer abuse-male or female- of any kind -verbal, emotional or physical- and still stay with the person who does it?
Why do some women see abuse as a sign of love?
Who would a man think ‘scolding’ a woman is way to keep her in check?
Why do some women require scolding to be kept in check?
Why do women see it fit to slap, spit and bite?
Why do men retaliate with fist fights?
OK, so the big story in the news is about NFL player Ray Rice and his attack on then Fiancé Janay. The couple got married after the incident and now that the video has become public, he has pretty much lost his career, and she is standing by him all while blaming the media for interfering.
Domestic abuse is something that has been happening since the beginning of time and we only pay attention to it when it comes to the fore, or when a popular figure is involved. It’s in our homes, in our families, in our lives, we have all witnessed it and we sit in silence and sip our tea like Kermit because quite frankly… ‘It’s none of my business.’
But it’s my business because I’m a woman, it’s my business because I have a mother, grandmother, aunts, cousins, sisters, nieces, friends and one day I want to have a daughter or son.
I don’t want my daughter to think it is OK for any man to abuse her, no matter the circumstances.
I don’t want my son to think it is OK to put his hands on any woman unless he’s using it for pleasure.
I also don’t want my daughter to think it is OK to fight, bite, spit or stab any man.
I don’t know what goes on in the Rice’s relationship and how often incidents like the aforementioned occur, but what I know is there was abuse on both ends and it is unacceptable!
Being the only female in a heated discussion with the guys at work about the story, they all echoed the same sentiments; they don’t condone violence but when provoked its human nature to retaliate. I understand where they are coming from but I don’t fully agree. We control our emotions and how we react to certain things. Under any kind of pressure, we make the choice to either walk away or fight back; it’s the will power that will determine what we actually do. If you know you are reaching your boiling point, consciously make the decision to extinguish the blaze or cause an inferno. It’s all about choice!
I also think it’s how we value each other and the relationship. If there is no respect, then when in an argument we find words to cut, and cut deep. There can be arguments with respect. You can’t respect your woman and in an argument call her a bitch, whore or dutty gyal, and then when night falls you’re between the whore’s legs or eating from her pot (no pun intended… actually pots now lol). You can’t call your man a dog shit, john crow, worthless, and at the end of the day you’re wrapped up in the dog’s shit, spending the worthless boy’s money.
Additionally both parties in a relationship can’t be the aggressor. They say opposites attract so with that in mind, if someone ignites the flame, then the other should be quick to defuse it. Everyone can’t be hotheaded!
And then I think to myself, when someone loves something, they take the best care of it. I’ll always refer to a man and his car, and a woman and her shoes. A man will wash, polish and accessorize his vehicle, and rev that engine to show that his is better than yours. A woman will bring a yard slippers to walk through the short-cut so as to not wear the tip of her heels. She will get the pedicure just to wear this shoe, because a shoe like that deserves the best feet. So if you truly love and or care for someone, ‘yuh nuh waah fly pitch pon dem’. You wouldn’t destroy something you cherish and seeing your lady or man with a black eye, busted lips, bloody nose and broken bones in NOT care!
It is said then women fight with with words and men fight with fists, but choose your battles. Bringing fists to a word fight, is bringing guns to a knife war.
A lot of people will say, Dadrian, you can never tell until you’re in the position, but it’s a position I wouldn’t want for my foe. I know when a man is the bread winner, it’s hard to walk away from the person that feeds you. But what happens when he slams your mouth shut and you’re feeding through a tube? What happens when your children grow up and do the same thing to other women, or it’s done to them? What happens when your silence takes you to the grave? When will we it become our business?
As it relates to the Rice incident and his wife supporting him, I can only pray for them. She has the right as an adult to make decisions, and it’s a decision that we cant fight her for. But I do hope it’s not one that will cost her. People say she’s there for the money, but what good is money when you’re beaten senseless? Janay says the attention the media has brought to her family is unwanted and has cost them in more ways than one. In short stay out!!! But had this been an internal ‘war’ and not one done in the public and without the use to fists then there would be nothing to comment on. I wish them well!
In the end, if relationships resort to violence, then it’s time to let it go.
To all women who may read this and is offended because they are victims, it is not my intention to offend. I just want us to stand for someone rather than be reduced to nothing.
I AM MSDADRIAN… BE BLESSED!!!