I started my day like I usually do, but today was a little bit different. See my mom and I had an argument the day before, well she was talking and I ignored, so she hasn’t spoken to me since. I got up and read my bible, did a report for work and watch my programmes while getting dressed; The Dr’s, Wendy and Millionaire. Why those three? Well I try as best as possible to arm myself with information where health is concerned hence The Dr’s. Wendy is my guilty pleasure, always keeping me abreast as to what’s going on in the world of entertainment which directly applies to my job. And Millionaire is self-explanatory… who doesn’t want to be a millionaire? It doesn’t hurt learning either based on the fact filled questions asked.
What made today a little bit harder to digest in terms of routine is the fact that it’s mommy birthday. Yea I wished her a happy birthday but it wasn’t in the usual fashion; normally I’d be hugging her tight, squeezing her and leaving sloppy kisses all over her face, BUT today’s she’s still mad at me. That alone makes me sad that mommy is mad on her birthday L. When I was leaving, I hugged her and kissed her and told her I loved her. One thing with my mom, no matter how mad she is at me, she still makes me feel like her little princess, made me breakfast, ironed my shirt and even watched while I went off to get a cab. A mother’s love is priceless, and that’s one thing that she’s shown me in my 27 years of existing. She has taught me that no matter what, how bad we as kids are, and how mad parents get, at the end of it all, the love never leaves.
I’ll call her a little later and I can tell you how the conversation will go… I know it too well lol.
Mom: Hello (Normally when I call she says “yes pickney”… not today)
Me: Are you ok?
Mom: Yes ma’am
Me: Well I was just checking up on you, love you.
Mom: So you say. (She knows I hate that lol)
It leaves me wondering what kind of relationship will I have with my child/children? How will it be with my husband? Better yet, will I ever get married or have children? The latter resonates with me so much when I look around my circle and see that 90% of my peers are either in committed relationships, married, are mothers and some are expectant mothers. I am the happiest for my friends in that regard, and can I tell you how gorgeous your little ones are? I have little videos/audio of Jada dancing, Shar learning to walking, Jaelen trying to remember his dads name, Thalia singing and Ashton’s big splash while having a bath. Occasionally I watch them or listen and smile my face off at their little cuteness and innocence. I’d go on facebook and view all your baby pictures and I’m so in love. Camille and Angie are new moms and they’re so in love with their babies. I swear I can’t help but cry when I see their little faces, little hands and feet… and I can’t help but wonder, will I ever?
I know mommy can’t wait for the day when she’s a grandma. She says things that break my heart like “I want to see my grandchild before I die, and you know my day is coming soon.” She says it because she’s ill; lupus, rheumatoid arthritis, diabetes, hypertension and seizures. HOW MUCH MORE CAN ONE WOMAN TAKE? But she’s a fighter and she better quit with the BS about dying, ain’t nobody got time for that lol.
I don’t even know why I am pouring my heart out on this piece because I like to keep things in. People only want to know your problems to use them against you, but here’s what I think, if I tell it then you can’t. Not seeking sympathy, but they say when you let it go then it makes you lighter. Free Yourself!
The whole point at the end of the day is that I want my fairytale. I want the wedding and the baby… I want the happy ending. Sometimes I think at this age (28 in November) there’s a lot more I should have accomplished, there should have been something established for me to see the happy ending coming soon, but sadly I see nothing. They say how you think determines your future, but based on your today, you can sometimes predict your tomorrow. I don’t want my expectations to limit my opportunities, and I don’t want my failures to affect my success. I want a blank canvas, for God to paint on as the days goes by. His work of art can fit no gallery.
As I’m about to get some work done, Justin Timberlake’s ‘Mirror’ plays in the background on my laptop and my facebook page is opened on April’s message to her husband on their first wedding anniversary… the most beautiful message I’ve ever read. Will someone ever make me feel that way?
*Lost in thought…. Fade to black….*
I AM MS DADRIAN… BE BLESSED