This blog came by way of a conversation I had with a girlfriend- Roechelle- and it definitely sparked my interest. It is quite typical for people to assume that once you are not happy, or you don’t feel fulfilled, then it’s because of the lack of a partner or in Jamaican terms ‘oil waah release’. A lot of times I find myself yearning, needing, wanting more, missing something, feeling incomplete, miserable, tormented, discombobulated and feeling chaotic. Should I express these feelings to anyone, their first response is “you need a man/sex”. So it makes me wonder, do we really need a relationship to fulfill us? Can we be truly happy to its fullest extent without having someone’s input? When we say ‘Single and happy’ are we fooling ourselves?
Surveys have become a part of my blogs because it’s important to hear someone else’s perspective. So here goes:
R.I- The answer is two-folds: YES because truly accepting who you are is the first step of being happy… You have attained happiness when you can truly enjoy what you love of yourself… when you can truly accept being alone. But at the end of the day, no matter what – It’s simply human nature to desire…
S.O – I’m not TRULY happy when I’m single, but I’m ok…everybody need dem somebody #EveryHoeHaveDemTickABush
D.C- But must… having that relationship is the ultimate achievement in life.
R.H- Yes you can be happy without a partner but the question is for how long. Yes we need companionship to experience complete happiness…
D.M- Yes you can be happy without a partner. Some relationships do make us happy; some are like out of hell. Happiness is never complete but it is workable.
C.L- I don’t think anyone needs to be in a relationship to completely be happy. Single life will bring about feelings of loneliness at times but it comes and goes. If people learn to appreciate their own company like myself, then they won’t need a companion to be happy.
T.C- It all depends on your personality and the friends and family you have around you that will determine if you’re happy or sad. Also if you don’t enjoy your own company or space you’ll be unhappy alone.
A.H- You know me already, I don’t need a soul. You can be happy with or without a partner. It’s all about choices and what you really like and want. Some people need companionship and some can do without it.
O.R- No you can’t, I believe you need someone to share the ups and the downs with.
L.H- Not sure if I’d say you can be truly happy without a partner because at some point or the other you are gonna need companionship, someone not necessarily to have sex with but to talk to and share things with… You can also be happy with and within yourself and have no need for a companion. At the end of the day it’s all about you.
T.M- You can be single and happy. However according to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs companionship is needed to complete an individual. So ultimately you are gonna yearn for more just because it’s a natural human tendency.
C.S- You don’t NEED companionship to be truly happy. One should strive to be emotionally independent yet make room in your heart for someone you WANT to share your life with. But I think a part of being truly happy in a relationship is by first learning to be happy with yourself… I believe that everyone should have that someone to share their life with… We weren’t designed to b alone, or Adam would be in the garden by himself.
I specifically placed the last two responses at the end, because they contain something that echoes in my head and heart. We Were NOT Designed To Be Alone. Genesis 2:18 Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.”
What I want to clarify is, yes we can be content and happy within ourselves; we can be comfortable and embrace who we are and that in itself makes us happy. In fact we first need to develop that level of happiness on our own, in order to understand happiness and be able to in turn share it. I agree with the responses that unless we learn to be happy with who we are, we can’t extend that happiness to someone else, and we won’t know how to treat happiness once received. For someone who relies solely on a partner to make them happy, to me, that is a death sentence for the relationship; it places too much burden on the partner. And we can’t be so consumed that when a relationship ends, our happiness in its entirety goes too. So yes, love you and be happy with you. Enjoy being single; claim happiness on your own, but I don’t think it’s happiness to highest degree.
I think it’s 50/50. Imagine being happy with you and your partner being happy with themselves; combined it’s a lethal dose of joy. Happiness shouldn’t make you yearn. Loneliness is a side effect of being single, it eats away at our joy and the only remedy is companionship. So if you are single and happy, you shouldn’t feel lonely, because loneliness means you want more; and wanting more means you’re not complete; and completion that you can’t acquire on your own, MUST come from someone else. Now it’s not guaranteed that once in a relationship, your happiness is automatic. It requires two happy people, to make a happy whole. So if one half the whole is not at the required level then don’t expect the other half to fix your incompetence.
I try as best as possible to write open minded without giving away too much of me, but for this post I’ll share me. I’m single and a lot of times i’m unhappy… and I think it’s because I haven’t been able to reach my target independently. I’m still working on completing my 50% before I even think of sharing me with someone else. So it’s not that my oil needs to be changed –lol- or I need a man, I just need to be a happy me first. Pheewwww that was hard to say. I’d suggest to those of us who are expecting happiness from someone else, to expect it from yourself first. That way, no one can bullshit you on what happiness is and should be.
So can you be single and happy? Yes! Is that happiness at its full level of potency? NO!
Long post but I hope you enjoyed the read. Feel free to share, like and comment.
I AM MSDADRIAN… BE BLESSED… BE HAPPY!!!
Trying to find the correct percentage or ratio for men to women in relationships is quite an uphill battle. What is a known fact is that there are more women who need love and companionship, than men available to give it.
The ratio women to men in Jamaica is about 13-1. Take from that, the men who are incarcerated, deceased, homosexuals and otherwise unavailable. The number then drastically increases to probably twice the before mentioned figure. It leaves the question; women… are you down with OPP?
OPP-Other people’s property.
Given the fact that there aren’t enough men to go around, based on the ratio, if you happen to come across someone who is unavailably-available, would you be willing to be the other woman?
Now, I don’t want the term ‘other woman’ to be looked at in a negative light, though many may say there is no positive spin to being the other woman. But let’s forget the colourful terms we use to call the other woman…. side chick, side piece, matey, #2, next gyal, sweetheart, etc. Can a woman, separate and apart from the woman at home, be just as involved in a man’s life? If so, is her position accepted, respected or frowned upon?
I like to do mini surveys about my blogs to get second and third opinions before I post them. My views aren’t necessarily your views, but the sharing of information gives better insight and varied outlooks. They are:
“Hells no! I don’t share full stop. Can you imagine in this weather I have to wait my turn… wifey have him under lock and key”
“I don’t agree with it because at the end of the day it’s regarded as cheating no matter how you see it. Also, how would you feel if you were on the other side of the fence… Karma is a hell of a woman.” That’s the politically correct answer, but “sometimes some a dem people yah deserve a whole bakery under dem skin”
“I think she who does is just nasty!”
“I am not one to judge, do what makes you comfortable. And then again I’m a man, who wouldn’t want more than one woman”
“Mi nuh believe more women around. You women need to be patient.”
“I don’t care for it. One person me a deh with at a time.”
“Of course, in this day and age… Men aren’t faithful and make women do crazy things. If you’re with OPP then you ain’t got nutn to worry about.” Less stress… let wifey worry.
Before I continue, first answer me this question… Can a person be in love and share a bond with more than one individual at once? (Maybe that should be my next blog lol)
When you consider polygamous relationships in countries and traditions where it’s acceptable and the norm, then the thought of sharing a partner is every-day life. But because of how we are socialized, do you think that’s the reason why we look at the ‘other woman’ as the home wrecker? Do you believe that women who date men who are already involved are intentionally trying to tear apart a union? Do they have ulterior motives, moving up the chart to #1? Or is it that because of the lack of good men, and the inconvenience caused by their circumstances (death, prison, etc) why women choose to be with someone who may already be involved, but has room for her needs? Are all ‘sweethearts’ out for the position, or is the need to be loved and wanted the driving force for women in these situations?
Personally, I believe in having my own. Like someone said, I wouldn’t want to have to wait my turn. But then I think to myself, if I’m not able to be ‘the one’ would I be open to being one of? And in another comment, is it that women aren’t willing to wait why they settle? What about the woman who has been waiting, the one who has waited years, does she get a pass?
I do believe that when it’s your time, no one can take that away from you. Like old people say “every hoe have dem stick ah bush”. But with this rise in women openly and willingly partaking in these kinds of relationships, does that saying still stand? Or do we blame the men for not stepping up and making themselves worthy and available so as to prevent sharing?
At the end of the day, whilst not joining the OPP movement, I can understand why some women may do it. And I also know what it’s like to be the woman being cheated on, and I wouldn’t wish it on my enemy. But to each her own, who am I to judge?
So, are you down with OPP?
I AM MS DADRIAN… BE BLESSED!
Check the link attached for “O.P.P.” a number-one 1991 hit song recorded by rap group Naughty by Nature.
Before I started this blog I made sure to listen to India Arie’s track with the same title, ‘I am not my hair.’ You can listen too.
Hair… What is hair and why do we have it? If you want a Google response then try this…
“Hair is one of the defining characteristics of mammals. Attitudes towards hair, such as hairstyles and hair removal, vary widely across different cultures and historical periods, but it is often used to indicate a person’s personal beliefs or social position, such as their age, gender, or religion.”
“any of the fine threadlike strands growing from the skin of humans, mammals, and some other animals.”
So we know for sure it is a part of all of us. Hair serves different purposes depending on where it is. Hair on our skin helps with warmth, our brows and lashes protect our eyes, nostril hairs are to keep particles out, and even pubic hair which in some instance signifies maturity. But I want to address the hair on our heads.
In some cultures, it requires you to style your hair a particular way. The length and style of your hair is also used to identify your sex. Hair textures and sometimes color identify your race. But in today’s day there is so much emphasis placed on hair that we have lost our identity in that regard.
At around four my mom relaxed my hair and a couple years later it all broke off. It grew back even kinkier, and in society kinky hair is ‘bad hair’. I have the type of hair that makes my head hurts when it’s being combed, the type that breaks combs, the type that Jamaican’s call ‘pepper seed’ when it’s rolled up. And the best ‘cure’ for kinky hair is to get it straightened or pressed.
When I was ten my mom relaxed my hair again and 18 years later it’s still being done. I’ve gone through it all with this hair. It grows and breaks, I color it and it breaks. I cut it and it grows back, then it breaks and I cut it again. I wear a wig and it’s too hot, I’ve worn weaves and it itches, I’ve done braids and liked it, sometimes not so much. It all led me to one conclusion, that apart from breaking combs and it hurting to get it combed, I have no other issue with my natural hair. So why put ourselves through the torture of chemical burns, split ends, curling iron marks, bad colors, damaged textures, ridiculously long weaves, extremely tight and heavy extensions and never ending itching? And anyone who says weaves are comfortable is lying, because I’ve seen and done the ghetto scratch (when your finger doesn’t fit to scratch the itchy area so you beat your head into a coma)… yes, the head patting.
There is no denying that when my weave is freshly done, and those 14 inches flow down my back all shiny, I feel like a superstar. Get my face beat (make up) and put on a cute outfit and I feel sexy and confident. But I want to learn to appreciate me in my natural form and feel sexy that way too. I want to know that if I can’t afford to relax or extend, then my kinky hair can still be styled and I still feel like the superstar I am inside. It’s a personal journey that I want to take and it’s going to be tough because I’ve been at the hair game 18 years strong, and I don’t know if I’m able to last long on this new path. Plus I’ve tried it before and a couple months in, my head began to hurt, and the pain reminded me why I have a weave or relaxer in.
Another reason why I want to do this is because I don’t want to lose my identity. I am a black woman with kinky hair, of African descent. And not until I love that, which I truly am, no amount of cover up can change what I am underneath it all. Another thing too, I see this craze over Brazilian, Peruvian, Malaysian etc hair. People are using it to define others. I remember being at the nail shop when a guy made a comment that if a girl’s extensions aren’t Brazilian or any of the others mentioned, then she’s not a ‘hot girl’. I was like wtf… so now it’s left up to hair to determine how great we are and how hot we can be? Smh Plus, I will NOT be spending them crazy ass money on hair, I got bills to pay lol.
To my ladies in your weave, you rock it well and big ups to you. Most of you guys look absolutely amazing and beautiful when you’re all done up. My sista’s are some superstars!!!
But I want to do this one for me… because I am more than what is on the outside. I am not my hair!
I AM MS DADRIAN… BE BLESSED!
Forgive: to cease feeling resentment against an offender.
Forget: to lose the remembrance of, unable to recall or think of.
Two of the hardest things to do in this world are to forgive and to forget. What this means is that when someone has wronged you, no matter how intense the hurt, you should no longer feel any anger towards the person and on top of that erase the hurt like it never happened. WOW! That’s an uphill battle.
The bible speaks of forgiveness; we should forgive those who did us wrong 70×7, that’s 490.
Matthew 18:21-22: “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven.
That seems like a lot for one person, giving chance after chance. Feeling more hurt after hurt, yet still is willing to take another chance with this ‘oppressor’. Mommy peeked at my screen and said “490??? One person? What a lot of chances!!!” That’s the same thought most of us will have when we realize that we’ll be riding a roller-coaster of forgiveness, making 490 stops. Nauseous at the thought huh? When we think of how we felt when we were wronged, it seems like too much leniency for someone proven guilty. How many warnings do the police give before you are charged? How many suspensions do schools give before you are expelled? How much probation does a company give before your employment is terminated? How many ‘life lines’ does the Millionaire game give before you lose the money in your bank?
But when you think about it, what’s more painful… feeling anger and resentment every time you see the person, or moving past the hurt having learnt a lesson which will be useful in the future? I found this quote online and it speaks volumes.
The pain may be unbearable at first impact but don’t re-infect the wound by picking at the scabs. Allow it to heal and in time you’ll realize it doesn’t hurt as much if any at all. It may leave a scar, but that scar serves as a reminder that you have experienced hurt but you made it. You overcame what was once thought to be the wound that never heals. Personally I’m learning to forgive, some days I re-infect, but I clean the wound with the hope of seeing a scab; the final stage of healing. I just have to keep reminding myself, ‘Dadrian don’t pick it’. I have realized that the more I allow the wound to heal, the less painful it seems, and even when I try to channel my energy to feel the hurt, my inner strength says no. The feeling I once longed for is finally arriving, and I know this because I don’t feel angry anymore, I actually pity to foolish.
The forgetting part is what I’m working on. How do we do that though? Erase from memory a horrible experience?
Forgetting is removing from thought, information that has been encoded and stored into one’s long term memory. I guess suppressing those memories will work. Avoid the situation altogether so as to eliminate the possibility of re-infecting the wound. Replace those bad memories with good ones. Try to focus on the aspects of life, or experience with someone during a happy time. Keep yourself occupied by doing things you love, things that makes you happy. Have new experiences and build new memories. Avoid the stimulus; get rid of things that takes you back to that hurt. Stop feeling the need to avenge the situation or person, eliminate the need to fix things.
Forgetting takes a long time, but life is so short. Use your time wisely.
Remember we are sometimes the victims and also the accused. He without sin cast the first stone.
Never forget to forgive; and when you forgive, forget it.
I AM MS DADRIAN… BE BLESSED!