Which is more forgivable?
I recently participated in a discussion via a radio programme, about making known the amount of partners you’ve been with. Majority of those who participated in the discussion echoed NO! I was actually one in a handful who said yes but with conditions. My yes doesn’t necessarily come only in the form of numbers, but in deeds and character.
There is this saying that women always divide their number by two (they say 5 when it’s 10), and men multiply their number (they say 10 when it’s actually 5). If there is any truth to it, I can understand why. No woman wants to be seen a ‘bad girl’ or a ‘whore’, and our men were raised and socialized to be a ‘gyalis’ or ‘players’. Our music glorifies men having girls in a bundle, and applauds women who scream ‘One Man’. But let’s talk about it…
When I say make known the amount of partners, I’m not going to give you exact figures, but if the situation arises where I need to make known who I’ve been with then I’m open about that. I don’t want to put my partner in a situation where he hears about Tom, Dick or Harry through other people rather than me. If he asks then I should be the one to tell him. I won’t write names, what we did, how many times, when and where we did it, but if it is on a need to know basis then I’ll let him know. I also think he is entitled to know the kind of person I normally date- the character of the person- because I want to know the kind of girls he’s attracted to. Without being judgemental, I want to know that the others girl are women with morals and values, and are actually women he’s proud to show off.
In doing my mini research and survey for this blog, I got the same responses right across the board. The men don’t want to know numbers, they too want character, and they are looking for patterns. Is she attracted to bad boys, cops, did she date a scammer, does she like tall or short men, rich men or hustlers, things of that nature and not necessarily a fixed figure. One person actually said numbers can influence outlook. Men formulate an idea of a woman’s past based on the relationship they share; they sometimes generate their own figure based on age and experiences and how women deal with relationships on a whole. We normally take a while longer to get over a break up; we wait a while longer to get physical, it requires a lot more when it comes to intimacy, so men will use those factors and create an acceptable number in their minds. Telling them otherwise will ruin the perception or image they have of you.
The women on the other hand couldn’t care less about their partner’s exes. They only want to know about his health and how careless or not he has been. Did he ever have an STI, does he practice safe sex, and to an extent the type and character of his exes. They also stand against me in numbers, but they do support sharing the need to know information. One response was that men can’t handle the truth. Women only need to share the relationships that actually meant something, and not the one guy you hooked up with that one time. They say men don’t know how to deal with a woman’s sexual history, hence alterations to the truth is necessary to preserve their sanity and ego.
But what exactly is the acceptable number and how do we go about arriving at that number? An old friend once said, he calculates based on age, how early the woman engaged in sex, how long she should wait (in his opinion) after a relationship has ended to start a new one and how to decipher which relationship is worth the intimacy. In the end he thinks a 25 year old, should NOT exceed 3 partners and any woman who exceeds this number has questionable character.
With all that being said, if you were to find out the amount of sexual partners your current partner had, would that change the way you feel about him or her? If he or she asks, would you be willing to share your number or would you alter it? Is there an acceptable number in comparison to age? Are numbers even that important?
Btw… what’s your number? Lol
I AM MS DADRIAN… BE BLESSED!
This blog came by way of a conversation I had with a girlfriend- Roechelle- and it definitely sparked my interest. It is quite typical for people to assume that once you are not happy, or you don’t feel fulfilled, then it’s because of the lack of a partner or in Jamaican terms ‘oil waah release’. A lot of times I find myself yearning, needing, wanting more, missing something, feeling incomplete, miserable, tormented, discombobulated and feeling chaotic. Should I express these feelings to anyone, their first response is “you need a man/sex”. So it makes me wonder, do we really need a relationship to fulfill us? Can we be truly happy to its fullest extent without having someone’s input? When we say ‘Single and happy’ are we fooling ourselves?
Surveys have become a part of my blogs because it’s important to hear someone else’s perspective. So here goes:
R.I- The answer is two-folds: YES because truly accepting who you are is the first step of being happy… You have attained happiness when you can truly enjoy what you love of yourself… when you can truly accept being alone. But at the end of the day, no matter what – It’s simply human nature to desire…
S.O – I’m not TRULY happy when I’m single, but I’m ok…everybody need dem somebody #EveryHoeHaveDemTickABush
D.C- But must… having that relationship is the ultimate achievement in life.
R.H- Yes you can be happy without a partner but the question is for how long. Yes we need companionship to experience complete happiness…
D.M- Yes you can be happy without a partner. Some relationships do make us happy; some are like out of hell. Happiness is never complete but it is workable.
C.L- I don’t think anyone needs to be in a relationship to completely be happy. Single life will bring about feelings of loneliness at times but it comes and goes. If people learn to appreciate their own company like myself, then they won’t need a companion to be happy.
T.C- It all depends on your personality and the friends and family you have around you that will determine if you’re happy or sad. Also if you don’t enjoy your own company or space you’ll be unhappy alone.
A.H- You know me already, I don’t need a soul. You can be happy with or without a partner. It’s all about choices and what you really like and want. Some people need companionship and some can do without it.
O.R- No you can’t, I believe you need someone to share the ups and the downs with.
L.H- Not sure if I’d say you can be truly happy without a partner because at some point or the other you are gonna need companionship, someone not necessarily to have sex with but to talk to and share things with… You can also be happy with and within yourself and have no need for a companion. At the end of the day it’s all about you.
T.M- You can be single and happy. However according to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs companionship is needed to complete an individual. So ultimately you are gonna yearn for more just because it’s a natural human tendency.
C.S- You don’t NEED companionship to be truly happy. One should strive to be emotionally independent yet make room in your heart for someone you WANT to share your life with. But I think a part of being truly happy in a relationship is by first learning to be happy with yourself… I believe that everyone should have that someone to share their life with… We weren’t designed to b alone, or Adam would be in the garden by himself.
I specifically placed the last two responses at the end, because they contain something that echoes in my head and heart. We Were NOT Designed To Be Alone. Genesis 2:18 Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.”
What I want to clarify is, yes we can be content and happy within ourselves; we can be comfortable and embrace who we are and that in itself makes us happy. In fact we first need to develop that level of happiness on our own, in order to understand happiness and be able to in turn share it. I agree with the responses that unless we learn to be happy with who we are, we can’t extend that happiness to someone else, and we won’t know how to treat happiness once received. For someone who relies solely on a partner to make them happy, to me, that is a death sentence for the relationship; it places too much burden on the partner. And we can’t be so consumed that when a relationship ends, our happiness in its entirety goes too. So yes, love you and be happy with you. Enjoy being single; claim happiness on your own, but I don’t think it’s happiness to highest degree.
I think it’s 50/50. Imagine being happy with you and your partner being happy with themselves; combined it’s a lethal dose of joy. Happiness shouldn’t make you yearn. Loneliness is a side effect of being single, it eats away at our joy and the only remedy is companionship. So if you are single and happy, you shouldn’t feel lonely, because loneliness means you want more; and wanting more means you’re not complete; and completion that you can’t acquire on your own, MUST come from someone else. Now it’s not guaranteed that once in a relationship, your happiness is automatic. It requires two happy people, to make a happy whole. So if one half the whole is not at the required level then don’t expect the other half to fix your incompetence.
I try as best as possible to write open minded without giving away too much of me, but for this post I’ll share me. I’m single and a lot of times i’m unhappy… and I think it’s because I haven’t been able to reach my target independently. I’m still working on completing my 50% before I even think of sharing me with someone else. So it’s not that my oil needs to be changed –lol- or I need a man, I just need to be a happy me first. Pheewwww that was hard to say. I’d suggest to those of us who are expecting happiness from someone else, to expect it from yourself first. That way, no one can bullshit you on what happiness is and should be.
So can you be single and happy? Yes! Is that happiness at its full level of potency? NO!
Long post but I hope you enjoyed the read. Feel free to share, like and comment.
I AM MSDADRIAN… BE BLESSED… BE HAPPY!!!
Trying to find the correct percentage or ratio for men to women in relationships is quite an uphill battle. What is a known fact is that there are more women who need love and companionship, than men available to give it.
The ratio women to men in Jamaica is about 13-1. Take from that, the men who are incarcerated, deceased, homosexuals and otherwise unavailable. The number then drastically increases to probably twice the before mentioned figure. It leaves the question; women… are you down with OPP?
OPP-Other people’s property.
Given the fact that there aren’t enough men to go around, based on the ratio, if you happen to come across someone who is unavailably-available, would you be willing to be the other woman?
Now, I don’t want the term ‘other woman’ to be looked at in a negative light, though many may say there is no positive spin to being the other woman. But let’s forget the colourful terms we use to call the other woman…. side chick, side piece, matey, #2, next gyal, sweetheart, etc. Can a woman, separate and apart from the woman at home, be just as involved in a man’s life? If so, is her position accepted, respected or frowned upon?
I like to do mini surveys about my blogs to get second and third opinions before I post them. My views aren’t necessarily your views, but the sharing of information gives better insight and varied outlooks. They are:
“Hells no! I don’t share full stop. Can you imagine in this weather I have to wait my turn… wifey have him under lock and key”
“I don’t agree with it because at the end of the day it’s regarded as cheating no matter how you see it. Also, how would you feel if you were on the other side of the fence… Karma is a hell of a woman.” That’s the politically correct answer, but “sometimes some a dem people yah deserve a whole bakery under dem skin”
“I think she who does is just nasty!”
“I am not one to judge, do what makes you comfortable. And then again I’m a man, who wouldn’t want more than one woman”
“Mi nuh believe more women around. You women need to be patient.”
“I don’t care for it. One person me a deh with at a time.”
“Of course, in this day and age… Men aren’t faithful and make women do crazy things. If you’re with OPP then you ain’t got nutn to worry about.” Less stress… let wifey worry.
Before I continue, first answer me this question… Can a person be in love and share a bond with more than one individual at once? (Maybe that should be my next blog lol)
When you consider polygamous relationships in countries and traditions where it’s acceptable and the norm, then the thought of sharing a partner is every-day life. But because of how we are socialized, do you think that’s the reason why we look at the ‘other woman’ as the home wrecker? Do you believe that women who date men who are already involved are intentionally trying to tear apart a union? Do they have ulterior motives, moving up the chart to #1? Or is it that because of the lack of good men, and the inconvenience caused by their circumstances (death, prison, etc) why women choose to be with someone who may already be involved, but has room for her needs? Are all ‘sweethearts’ out for the position, or is the need to be loved and wanted the driving force for women in these situations?
Personally, I believe in having my own. Like someone said, I wouldn’t want to have to wait my turn. But then I think to myself, if I’m not able to be ‘the one’ would I be open to being one of? And in another comment, is it that women aren’t willing to wait why they settle? What about the woman who has been waiting, the one who has waited years, does she get a pass?
I do believe that when it’s your time, no one can take that away from you. Like old people say “every hoe have dem stick ah bush”. But with this rise in women openly and willingly partaking in these kinds of relationships, does that saying still stand? Or do we blame the men for not stepping up and making themselves worthy and available so as to prevent sharing?
At the end of the day, whilst not joining the OPP movement, I can understand why some women may do it. And I also know what it’s like to be the woman being cheated on, and I wouldn’t wish it on my enemy. But to each her own, who am I to judge?
So, are you down with OPP?
I AM MS DADRIAN… BE BLESSED!
Check the link attached for “O.P.P.” a number-one 1991 hit song recorded by rap group Naughty by Nature.